The "Quarter-Life Crisis" Meme
I just finished reading Juliana Piskorz' piece at The Guardian, and was left with some thoughts to share. She writes about how traditional life and work dreams don't map well to the lives many Millennials are experiencing, and the resulting sense of hopelessness and despair.
First, this feeling isn't at all unique to Millennials. Pretty much everyone experiences it, often multiple times. Especially after traumatic events like losing a job or a relationship, or merely when comparing yourself to others in your circle (the "Greener Grass" syndrome).
Second, the problem isn't having a poor outlook. That's putting it backwards. It starts with having toxic dreams. Such dreams have nothing whatsoever to do with who you are, and are typically taken in as whole cloth because we were raised on them by family, culture, media and society.
Please, push back against all such toxic dreams. Free yourself from their pernicious grasp. It would be better to take on life free of all goals than to be burdened with meaningless, fruitless, soul-destroying dreams.
"Non-toxic" dreams are anchored in reality. Not the reality of others, not of online media or social sites, but firmly anchored to one's own life. These more powerful dreams are based upon what you have learned, what you have done, and how you can project those into the future. These are dreams you can truly own, not merely aspire to.
Quite often, we may have no clue about what such dreams may be. We may lack constructive introspection, we may lack the ability to extrapolate, or we we may lack outward imagination. Not to worry: There is another source for positive dreams.
In my life, my best "dreams" arrived fully-formed when I let others influence my direction. Most often these were not recognized as dreams in the moment, but proved their value over time. Many of the very best things in my life arrived simply because I asked "Why not?" instead of "Why?". A tiny change that makes a huge difference.
I took some jobs simply because a friend or prior colleague asked for help. Quite often these turned out to be very short-lived positions, generally at startups, but they exposed me to work I would never have considered on my own, and they in turn opened other doors.
OK, here's the bullet-list so far:
- Expunge toxic dreams.
- Dream based on who you actually are.
- Let others influence your choices.
Well, if that isn't a nice and tidy list, I don't know what is. But it does nothing to improve one's life today, right now, in the moment, every day.
Or does it? How about taking that list and shrinking it down, down until it is truly tiny, then applying it to your inner life.
Let's take a moment to discuss emotional and mental health. There are good fights and bad fights. Fighting against yourself is always a bad fight. Always. To borrow the words of Buckaroo Banzai: "No matter where you go, there you are." We are literally nothing more than who we are. We can strive to change, to improve; but right now, we are what and where and who we are.
Love that person. Right here, right now. No denials or abdnegation. Simple acceptance of what is. I'm as serious as a heart attack: If you're negging on yourself, then you are your own worst enemy. Who wants or needs that? Stop it now. Stop it forever.
Expunge toxic illusions of who or what you should be. Feel free, from your inner self to your skin, and perhaps a bit beyond. Inhale deeply, gently hold it, then let it out slowly. And again. Start at the minimum: Just be that system that converts oxygen and food to carbon dioxide and poop.
To use myself as a case in point: Puberty arrived for me along with undiagnosed depression. I managed to turn a near-ideal existence into a pile of crap. A great family full of love and a life free from want became my prison. Of course it wasn't them: It was me. But I blamed them, because I had nobody else to blame for my misery. As my inner life was hell, I made their lives hell. I ruined a wonderful family, not just for me, but for my siblings and parents. I was cruel. I was in pain.
I was so unable to cope with life that I dropped out of high school, left home, worked a minimum wage job while going to night school to finish up, then joined the military.
I went a decade without effective treatment. Only after the military, while in college, did I finally start caring for, and get treatment for, my inner self.
Please, don't wait a decade to get outside advice and support. Don't let a crappy world view give you a crappy life. It's tough to fly with a stone around your neck. Lighten up!
So, what about the mind and the heart? What about the things that make us more than mere metabolic systems?
Getting therapy isn't a solution, but it's a start. It's a great, awesome and amazing step. But it's just the beginning of the path, not the end. Not a goal. It's like putting gas in the car: You still need to start the engine and head down the road. It's an enabler, not a destination.
Which brings us to my third point: It is vital to find value in life today. No whining or pining for unfulfilled dreams or personal illusions.
Being unemployed means you are free to grow and thrive between job applications and interviews. Go ahead, take that minimum wage job to make ends meet. But let it be a launching pad, not a dead-end dungeon.
My path to a whole life has been through volunteering. I'm a volunteer usher at local live theaters, where I get to see the play for free in exchange for helping folks find their way in the theater. It is good to be helpful. It is good to experience art. It is wonderful combining the two.
I also volunteer to tutor algebra to extremely disadvantaged students. I had lived so long with my white male middle-class privilege that it was a shock to work with folks who had none of it, never. Stripping that away freed me to become a person I had never dreamed I could be.
A wise teacher told me I had to "Love the shit out of them." Literally. Their lives were full of shit. Dead parents, a parent in jail, abuse in the home, alcoholism and drug addiction, poverty, the list goes on. Algebra was the last thing these people needed. Yet it was a required step to getting a high school diploma, to getting into college, to having a life different from what they knew.
I suddenly found myself being a gateway to their futures. I didn't dare screw this up, yet I did. Fortunately, the students were forgiving and gave me more chances. They forced me to grow. All I really had to do was to ALWAYS show up, and ALWAYS give them my best, even when it wasn't enough.
This changed me. Yes, I did help some students. But they helped me more. I became huge, my heart filling like never before, my mind on fire to find new ways to engage them. I became meek, eager for any piece of advice that would help, seeking to help any student in distress, not from a place of power, but simply from caring and willing to do whatever needs to be done.
Put yourself in a place where you matter to someone else. Help the elderly. Help a student. Help a cause. Help yourself. Volunteer.
Which brings us back to where we started, to the whatever-age crisis. Take it and turn it inside-out. That "crisis" is an opportunity knocking loud and clear. An expression of resentful stagnation and the need to grow.
Feed that need. Not with fake goals. Not with unrealistic aspirations. Not with toxic dreams. But with becoming more human. A force for good, both inside and out, to yourself and others.
Changing your dreams changes who you are. I no longer dream of driving a fast car: My 7 year old Mazda 3 is plenty of fun. I no longer dream of getting a huge house: My little place does me just fine. I truly lack for nothing.
Rather than resent not being able to afford expensive restaurants, I learned to cook. I now cook all the time with and for friends and family. I get to feed the people who matter most to me. That's an awesome feeling. I even enjoy doing the dishes after. More importantly, cooking for myself is an important part of self-care, giving myself the best I can provide.
I haven't reached any of the traditional "big goals". Yet my life is full to overflowing. It's full of love, of kindness, of giving and sharing. I'm saving just enough to ensure I won't be homeless after my career ends. That's really all I need.
My life is far from "perfect". I am 62 and I live alone. I still have depression, with anxiety added as I've grown older, which sometimes takes me away from friends and family for days at a time. I've never married, with no romantic relationship ever lasting beyond a year. I love kids, yet I have no children.
Fortunately, I'm an uncle to nieces, nephews and friend's kids. I've had dear friends who would marry me, if only I were marriage material. I don't have a large number of friends, but the ones I do have are everything to me.
I do not feel my life is in any way inferior to that lived by anyone else. I own my life, and I very much like where and how it's going. I'm never going to have a "whatever-age crisis".
I value what I have. I don't miss what I don't have, though I'm always seeking to grow. I don't envy what others have. Surprisingly, others have said they envy me. This always catches me off guard. It makes me cry with happy sadness, for reasons I still don't fully understand. I feel simultaneously massively huge and infinitesimally small. A fist-pumping "Yes!" right next to a shy "Who, me?"
If I can have such a fulfilling life, so can you. It starts with accepting the starting place, with eyes wide open. Free from toxic dreams or illusions. Then seek: "What's next?" Not next year, but today. Even baby steps will move you forward.
First, this feeling isn't at all unique to Millennials. Pretty much everyone experiences it, often multiple times. Especially after traumatic events like losing a job or a relationship, or merely when comparing yourself to others in your circle (the "Greener Grass" syndrome).
Second, the problem isn't having a poor outlook. That's putting it backwards. It starts with having toxic dreams. Such dreams have nothing whatsoever to do with who you are, and are typically taken in as whole cloth because we were raised on them by family, culture, media and society.
Please, push back against all such toxic dreams. Free yourself from their pernicious grasp. It would be better to take on life free of all goals than to be burdened with meaningless, fruitless, soul-destroying dreams.
"Non-toxic" dreams are anchored in reality. Not the reality of others, not of online media or social sites, but firmly anchored to one's own life. These more powerful dreams are based upon what you have learned, what you have done, and how you can project those into the future. These are dreams you can truly own, not merely aspire to.
Quite often, we may have no clue about what such dreams may be. We may lack constructive introspection, we may lack the ability to extrapolate, or we we may lack outward imagination. Not to worry: There is another source for positive dreams.
In my life, my best "dreams" arrived fully-formed when I let others influence my direction. Most often these were not recognized as dreams in the moment, but proved their value over time. Many of the very best things in my life arrived simply because I asked "Why not?" instead of "Why?". A tiny change that makes a huge difference.
I took some jobs simply because a friend or prior colleague asked for help. Quite often these turned out to be very short-lived positions, generally at startups, but they exposed me to work I would never have considered on my own, and they in turn opened other doors.
OK, here's the bullet-list so far:
- Expunge toxic dreams.
- Dream based on who you actually are.
- Let others influence your choices.
Well, if that isn't a nice and tidy list, I don't know what is. But it does nothing to improve one's life today, right now, in the moment, every day.
Or does it? How about taking that list and shrinking it down, down until it is truly tiny, then applying it to your inner life.
Let's take a moment to discuss emotional and mental health. There are good fights and bad fights. Fighting against yourself is always a bad fight. Always. To borrow the words of Buckaroo Banzai: "No matter where you go, there you are." We are literally nothing more than who we are. We can strive to change, to improve; but right now, we are what and where and who we are.
Love that person. Right here, right now. No denials or abdnegation. Simple acceptance of what is. I'm as serious as a heart attack: If you're negging on yourself, then you are your own worst enemy. Who wants or needs that? Stop it now. Stop it forever.
Expunge toxic illusions of who or what you should be. Feel free, from your inner self to your skin, and perhaps a bit beyond. Inhale deeply, gently hold it, then let it out slowly. And again. Start at the minimum: Just be that system that converts oxygen and food to carbon dioxide and poop.
To use myself as a case in point: Puberty arrived for me along with undiagnosed depression. I managed to turn a near-ideal existence into a pile of crap. A great family full of love and a life free from want became my prison. Of course it wasn't them: It was me. But I blamed them, because I had nobody else to blame for my misery. As my inner life was hell, I made their lives hell. I ruined a wonderful family, not just for me, but for my siblings and parents. I was cruel. I was in pain.
I was so unable to cope with life that I dropped out of high school, left home, worked a minimum wage job while going to night school to finish up, then joined the military.
I went a decade without effective treatment. Only after the military, while in college, did I finally start caring for, and get treatment for, my inner self.
Please, don't wait a decade to get outside advice and support. Don't let a crappy world view give you a crappy life. It's tough to fly with a stone around your neck. Lighten up!
So, what about the mind and the heart? What about the things that make us more than mere metabolic systems?
Getting therapy isn't a solution, but it's a start. It's a great, awesome and amazing step. But it's just the beginning of the path, not the end. Not a goal. It's like putting gas in the car: You still need to start the engine and head down the road. It's an enabler, not a destination.
Which brings us to my third point: It is vital to find value in life today. No whining or pining for unfulfilled dreams or personal illusions.
Being unemployed means you are free to grow and thrive between job applications and interviews. Go ahead, take that minimum wage job to make ends meet. But let it be a launching pad, not a dead-end dungeon.
My path to a whole life has been through volunteering. I'm a volunteer usher at local live theaters, where I get to see the play for free in exchange for helping folks find their way in the theater. It is good to be helpful. It is good to experience art. It is wonderful combining the two.
I also volunteer to tutor algebra to extremely disadvantaged students. I had lived so long with my white male middle-class privilege that it was a shock to work with folks who had none of it, never. Stripping that away freed me to become a person I had never dreamed I could be.
A wise teacher told me I had to "Love the shit out of them." Literally. Their lives were full of shit. Dead parents, a parent in jail, abuse in the home, alcoholism and drug addiction, poverty, the list goes on. Algebra was the last thing these people needed. Yet it was a required step to getting a high school diploma, to getting into college, to having a life different from what they knew.
I suddenly found myself being a gateway to their futures. I didn't dare screw this up, yet I did. Fortunately, the students were forgiving and gave me more chances. They forced me to grow. All I really had to do was to ALWAYS show up, and ALWAYS give them my best, even when it wasn't enough.
This changed me. Yes, I did help some students. But they helped me more. I became huge, my heart filling like never before, my mind on fire to find new ways to engage them. I became meek, eager for any piece of advice that would help, seeking to help any student in distress, not from a place of power, but simply from caring and willing to do whatever needs to be done.
Put yourself in a place where you matter to someone else. Help the elderly. Help a student. Help a cause. Help yourself. Volunteer.
Which brings us back to where we started, to the whatever-age crisis. Take it and turn it inside-out. That "crisis" is an opportunity knocking loud and clear. An expression of resentful stagnation and the need to grow.
Feed that need. Not with fake goals. Not with unrealistic aspirations. Not with toxic dreams. But with becoming more human. A force for good, both inside and out, to yourself and others.
Changing your dreams changes who you are. I no longer dream of driving a fast car: My 7 year old Mazda 3 is plenty of fun. I no longer dream of getting a huge house: My little place does me just fine. I truly lack for nothing.
Rather than resent not being able to afford expensive restaurants, I learned to cook. I now cook all the time with and for friends and family. I get to feed the people who matter most to me. That's an awesome feeling. I even enjoy doing the dishes after. More importantly, cooking for myself is an important part of self-care, giving myself the best I can provide.
I haven't reached any of the traditional "big goals". Yet my life is full to overflowing. It's full of love, of kindness, of giving and sharing. I'm saving just enough to ensure I won't be homeless after my career ends. That's really all I need.
My life is far from "perfect". I am 62 and I live alone. I still have depression, with anxiety added as I've grown older, which sometimes takes me away from friends and family for days at a time. I've never married, with no romantic relationship ever lasting beyond a year. I love kids, yet I have no children.
Fortunately, I'm an uncle to nieces, nephews and friend's kids. I've had dear friends who would marry me, if only I were marriage material. I don't have a large number of friends, but the ones I do have are everything to me.
I do not feel my life is in any way inferior to that lived by anyone else. I own my life, and I very much like where and how it's going. I'm never going to have a "whatever-age crisis".
I value what I have. I don't miss what I don't have, though I'm always seeking to grow. I don't envy what others have. Surprisingly, others have said they envy me. This always catches me off guard. It makes me cry with happy sadness, for reasons I still don't fully understand. I feel simultaneously massively huge and infinitesimally small. A fist-pumping "Yes!" right next to a shy "Who, me?"
If I can have such a fulfilling life, so can you. It starts with accepting the starting place, with eyes wide open. Free from toxic dreams or illusions. Then seek: "What's next?" Not next year, but today. Even baby steps will move you forward.
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